A Moment of Hesitation

A Moment of Hesitation

Sometimes I hesitate to ask. I restrain my hope. I close my eyes to pray a prayer of dire need and request divine intervention and I pause. I hold my breath and look around at the staggering reality I’ve stepped in and I just stand there, asking why, mind wandering, belief in man crushed. How naive am I? It’s like that picture you’ve seen a thousand times and breaks your heart. 1001, 1002…at some point your heart breaks and something else inside goes. It’s not my faith, but something else. I fancy it is the equivalent of a child like belief in Never Never Land.

I hesitate to ask. I just think, what if God isn’t that good to me / for me this time. Why should he be? I feel like I pray the same prayer for a different person every day. Today I am bringing them food. Tomorrow, send someone else. Today she has come faith, tomorrow let the roots of her faith go deeper and don’t let her husband beat her. I restrain my hope because I want, I NEED a miracle every day. God, don’t let me come back and hear the same story. We need a breakthrough, NOW. And in those moments, in the midst of the noise of my head, the vastness and grandeur of His creation comes into mind. All of creation across the continents and oceans and villages and islands. I can’t even speculate, muster an ounce of umpf to understand the majesty of God.

I have seen miracles with my own eyes. The most drunken, high, lost of souls come to Christ. Transformed. And yet, I still restrain my hope. God isn’t my genie, I don’t have just three wishes. I don’t have any wishes!  God has does infinitely more for me and before me, and will do so after me than I know. And it isn’t even for me, it is for His Glory, the interworking which which I am just human to know.

Maybe that’s why I feel so convicted when I hesitate to ask, restraining my hope for the next day or the last. It’s hard to admit I’ve felt defeated for moments, days, weeks; that at times I grow weary in trying. But, I am as predictable as the next one in line, unproudly bad to the bone. There is only one way to redemption, one hope for this show. Retrieval from the trenches, my heart rewoven to the soul, through one perfect redeemer, still reigning, alive and whole. Thankful for all the examples of His blessings, mercy, goodness and grace by His beauty which abounds in every earthly space.

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